listening
You sound real good and you play the part well
But the energy you givin’ off is so unfamiliar
I don’t feel ya
- Jay Electronica, Exhibit C
My intuition is a visceral, intense, body wave. As I’ve been training myself to follow my gut more and more, in both the simple moment-to-moment ways and with major life decisions, the body sensations have become more distinct (…and disruptive).
I can tell if a person is good for me to be around within seconds of meeting someone. I think I’ve always had this intuitive ability, but I’ve only learned to listen to it, recently, through some rather… extensive… trails and errors. Being the stubborn woman that I am, I just wanted to be 1000% sure…. course, at my own, personal, expense….
If my intuition flags someone as not a great person for me to be around, I immediately get anxious, high strung, and I make the conscious/subconscious decision to shrink. And, if I’m eating food around them (like at dinner, for example), I eat FAST, and without satisfaction. My entire energetic response is to try and shove down any unaddressed discomfort I have from being in that person’s presence. This isn’t personal…. exactly…. It just simply means that that person isn’t for me, just as much as it means that I’m not for that person. And this is ubiquitous with all types of dynamics: romantic, friendships, acquaintances, even strangers within my proximity. The sensation of repulsion is not dissimilar from trying to put two same-charged magnets together; no matter what I do, there’s this chasm between that can’t be crossed.
However, I’m stubborn… and I’m human. I want to be liked; I want new friends and new relationships. That mad people-pleasing shadow doesn’t dye easy; and, regrettably, it has lead (….and does lead…..) me to just power on and try to make it work. And, since the other person may or may not have any response to me presence, let a lot an intense one comparable to what I, myself, am experiencing, I end up taking on the total “cost” of making that dynamic work.
I cannot tell you how hard I used to try to just simply “play it cool” / “play it silent”. I genuinely used to believe that if I just found a way to keep my mouth shut, if I just found a way to play it small, everything would be peachy keen.
But, everything was not peachy keen.
As I have come to find out, my aura is naturally confrontational. My Human Design chart is simply chalked full of transformative, “pressure to change”, energy. It’s something I had to learn over time, as the result of my many failed attempts to “just be the Cool Girl”. Because, as it turns out, even my silence is confronting. And, my intuition is also stubborn as fuck. So, when I ignore the, lighter, body intuition sensations, my body simply gets more vocal….
When I spend time with someone not in alignment with my naturally transformative essence, there will eventually be a moment where my conscious or subconscious nature will induce a deeply “reactive” emotional response in that person, and I feel it, intensely. The sensation begins as a sharp, intensely cold, stabbing in my chest - literally like the shock of being physically stabbed in the sternum with a frozen, metal, knife - followed by a visceral wave of pain and cold chills outward from the point of the initial hit. This sensation quite literally blinds me. I struggle to speak, to think, to move, or to even remain present in that moment as both my body and my mind try to process the blow in real time, and assess for any permanent damage. I genuinely have to catch my breathe, and wait out the sensation, before I can regain sight and find my voice to reengage, if I find my voice at all.
I genuinely used to respond to this sensation with “what is wrong with me?” (pan to the deliciousness of the ‘victim‘ mentality I mentioned in earlier posts…). But, as I’ve gotten older, a bit wiser, and had the time to deeply obsess over my Human Design chart, I now understand the gift of such a disruptive energy profile.
I literally cannot keep people in my life that aren’t supposed to stay, or that don’t actually add any real value to my life or where I’m heading. It’s a massive, divine, gift that I simply repel dead weight energy. That shit is SO expensive to keep around, too. I watch others struggle with trying to keep alliances and friendships with others simple out of commitment to the length of the relationship; my energy doesn’t give a flying fuck about that.
Instead of trying to change it, and be small, I’ve been working on allowing myself to be as loud and confronting and uncomfortable as I can manage. Little by little learning to give the zeroest of fucks, and just do my own thing.
Current Life Montra
As with so many things in my life, I actually found that the best thing for me to focus on was actually the opposite energy:
How does my body feel when someone IS in alignment for me?
After a lifetime of trying to force the wrong dynamics to work, and epically failing at it, focusing on the positive intuitive hits I got was harder for me to tap into. I’ve been really focusing on this one for the last couple of years, and I’m only now starting to really feel it, consistently. It didn’t come to me as naturally because, in total honesty, I was more curious about “why am I feeling this pain?” and “what about me do I need to confront and fix to alleviate this pain?” vs what actually brought me peace and joy. I genuinely used to believe that life was about suffering, and if you weren’t suffering, you were being an absolute selfish piece of shit. Obviously a pretty…limiting…. life perspective. More on that, later. But, as it stands, I’ve now prioritize learning how a “yes” intuitive hit shows up in my body.
Turns out, it’s equally as visceral, and in the directly opposite sense!
When I’m excited about something, or a just absolutely love someone’s energy, I get these rushes of warm, gooey, waves throughout my body. Like the pain described earlier, the sensation always originates in the chest, in my heart space, and the wave of warm, happy, chills erupts outward like rivers of sparkling honey. In these moments, I cannot stop smiling. CAN’T. STOP. SMILING! Often time, I literally squeal - loudly - when the intuitive yes is particularly juicyyyy.
It brings me back to this child-like state, where I just feel like everything is possible in that moment. I am speechless in gratitude that this is the sensation I get to enjoy when I’m on the right path. Like, what? Totally refutes my previous belief that suffering was supposed to be the norm. I know there’s a lot of healing that went into even excepting this, as well as some pretty harsh reality pills that got me to look outside of my own self-induced suffering to be a part of world. But, the culmination of all of my moments of failures and successes have gotten me here, to this epically juciy moment, where I have now accepted that if something doesn’t give me this ooey gooey lovely sugar-bomb of joy and laughter, it’s simply not for me.
****Let me be clear, this is not for a superficially “joyful” life. My intuition, in it’s gooey electric amazingness, takes me to places and things that terrify me and make me struggle…. and inevitably grow immensely as a person. But, because the basis of this is all energetic excitement, it’s a lot easer, and more satisfying, to struggle through. Almost like each success along the way increases the “yes” sensation, and pulls me forward, regardless of what trials lay ahead on my path.
What a fucking gift.