disappointing expressions

It is the disease

of which it pretends to be the cure”

- Dambisa Moyo, Dead Aid // Karl Kraus, Freudianism

My transition from Data Science to Data Engineering was facilitated by my work with UNICEF. As with so many people who seek to work with the UN, there is this deep-seeded belief that you’re working to be a apart of big, positive, change in the world. We all believe, so deeply, that all of the politics and low wages and bullshit of working within an organization like the UN has a net positive; putting up with the toxicity within is for the greater good.

I have a lot of gratitude for the time I spent contracting with UNICEF, for the people that I met while working there, and, most importantly, for the eye-opening realization that I was enacting within a Western delusion.

As I’ve said in past posts, I struggled deeply with patience. Once my passion and interests have wained, so does my ability to continue performing the same level of excellence that I was hired for. The biggest culprit to this shift is being disillusioned. I felt so disillusioned, and so defeated, when I came to realize that those of us working at that level within the UN were mere ants sent to clean up the mess made by other UN branches and officials. The collective tolerance of stench of rot permeated throughout the organization. Everyone knew it, everyone saw it, and there were even those that tried to combat it. But, sometimes the rot goes way too deep to be treated. When rot is part of the foundation, part of an organization’s mode of action, and its way of moving through the world, there’s nothing a mere worker bee can do to combat it. My inner rage and ability to focus, work effectively, and even make personal sacrifices (as the wage was incredibly low, and contract renewals were political, slow, and at the personal expense of contractors), I realized I had to pivot away from trying to “make a difference in the world” through means of an organization I simple couldn’t stand by.

I have loved, loved, reading (/listening to) the book, Dead Aid: Why Aid Is Not Working and How There Is a Better Way for Africa by Dambisa Moyo. It finally put to words what I had deduced during my short time working with the UN, and put fact, clarity, and real numbers behind it. While it doesn’t mention the UN, itself, (at least not yet - I’m still reading the book, presently), the theme is the same, the mentality she’s describing is the same, and the approach is the same. It’s a dying organization, at best, consumed by its own delusions and inability to pivot upon learning new information, especially in the context of accepting ownership for ineffective or even immoral actions.

But, I dIgress, as a mere worker bee with zero power and even less significance, in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a “no” for me to follow that path any further than I already have.

The part I struggle with now, though, is the general lack of clarity I have around what to do next. Data Engineering is a job that keeps a roof over my head and food on my table, but even it’s most fascinating puzzles are failing to capture my full attention. I’m simply failing to see the overall point of what I do: what is the long-term goal, here? Is it a goal I want to keep contributing to? Does my contribution even matter, long-term? In truth, the last question is of least significance to me. I care very little about making a name for myself based on the work that I do. What I do care about is being effective, efficient, and lethal in my pursuit of my long-term goals. If the UN isn’t it, if basically all I have learned about the world up until the point of my mid-20s was absolute meaningless garbage, what is the path forward?

Honestly, I have no fucking idea. Just, none.

The Self-Forgiveness Oracle Deck

Love Your Self Edition

All I know is that somewhere, deep within, this is my guiding compass. And my intuition, for all of the harsh lessons it’s lead me to experience, is my lantern on the same path. The whole concept of surrendering to the unknown, and accepting my own ignorance as the expected status quo, is the life perspective I have chosen to follow. It’s what’s brought me here, to Brasil, to Rio. Fuck if I know exactly why, but I can say with complete certainty, when I choose to follow the route of a regular life, I genuinely loose my will to live. It wanes and wanes as I contort myself to fit into the confines of ineffective, rotting, structures within society that only endured on the collective misunderstanding of reality. We all know better, truly. There is no lack of information around this; but there is a lack of clarity around what to do next.

At least, for the many. Myself, included.

But one of the many things that I have come to understand is that my level of ignorance is by no means a reflection or indicator of another’s. In fact, I humbly and consistently find out that I have started from an even more extreme stance of ignorance than is the global norm. It’s just a fact; not personal, but quite toxic if I choose to remain in my delusions. Because, the reality is, all societal delusions comes at the cost of someone (someones**). That’s been the biggest factor in me choosing to leave white society in the U.S.

Which, might I add, doesn’t make me a better person. Whatever ego circle jerk I could get off of “choosing to not fit in” is immediately thwarted by my own lack of understanding about how the world really works. The reality is that there will never be a moment in time where I do not directly benefit societal privileges of being a white woman from the US. No matter where I go in the world, there are places designed for people like me to come to, to immigrate to, and to benefit from, especially at the expense of those who live there. The harsh truth is that with all of my travels and experience of living in various countries, I have had white privilege, pretty privilege, and the almighty US dollar to pave the way for me so I had little to no struggles that my levels of privilege didn’t at least soften, if not diminish, entirely.

….So, where do I go from here?

Again, no fucking idea. None.

And, there in lies the root of my rage. How do I use the new information I’m learning to change things, even if it’s just in a small subsection of the world? In truth, I’m getting the impression that I’ll one day make an impact back home, in the U.S., but in my “crone-phase”. In my 60-year-old self-phase. In a more wise, more worldly, and, most importantly, more peaceful phase of my life. As it stands, I’m way too full of rage. I’m way too full of disgust and impatience and inexperience to truly be effective at inducing real, positive, and long-term change.

I gotta continue this process with myself, and learn to accept my polarities and befriend my own demons before I can truly be affective….To accomplish anything of stature will require the initiation of powerful allies equal in caliber and drive to my own self, or at least to the true, full, expression of my soul, within. Though, in all honestly, my deepest fear is that I will fail to elevate to the inner awareness, necessary, to become the powerful expression of self that will be compatible with this life path I have been called to pursue.

…one step at a time….