sensitivity

As much as I love to pride myself on my beautifully systemic way of thinking, the full reality is that, emotionally, I am so, goddamn, sensitive.

SO sensitive.

It is the most frustrating, inconvenient dichotomy that I have, within. To make space for the hyper rational side of me AND the intuitive emotional side of me, when both are absolute forces of nature, takes constant readjustment.

Constant.

Truthfully, given how the major wound of the feminine is to be considered irrationally emotional and “crazy”, I’ve kind of always hated this sensitivity within me. I pick up on every emotion within the room, or within a situation, and I experience all of them in real time. Regardless if they’re my emotions or not. I feel others emotions as if they were, in fact, my own. It’s taken me YEARS of work and practice, and so many cringy failures, to finally reach a “functional” point of discernment where I can separate someone else’s bullshit (lol) from my very own bullshit. But, regardless, nothing changes the fact that I experience emotions is a pretty extreme, visceral, way.

My mind is incredibly strong, sharp, and….chaotically…. systematic. There’s something about chaos that helps my mind work with clarity, as if it utilizes absolute chaos to create predictable structures. Which means that no one gaslights me better than I gaslight myself. For every hyper-emotional experience I have, you best believe my mind is right there trying to downplay it and create a “systematic pattern” out of it to “better handle the situation next time”. Aka, the undertone being that “handling life with less emotion is always better”. But, I’m not Spock. No matter how rational I am, or how much “3rd person” understanding I use to see the situation from multiple angle and perceptions, it means fuck all as soon as my feelings come into play.

More often than not, my emotions feel like a tsunami.

At this point in my life, I know that the “tsunami-like” sensation is partially caused by me trying to hide my emotions and pretend like I didn’t have any, and so the emotions “make themselves known to me” in an irrefutable way. Fine, I fucking see you. Or, more specifically, I fucking FEEL you. Got it. Despite wanting to be of the most sound and rational of minds, I am an emotional lady. And my life will just keep getting better and better if I allow this to be the case instead of pretending like the forcefield of my aura doesn’t quite literally changing the energy of the space around me to reflect my emotions.

So, now i’ve gotten to the point where I’m more willing to express my emotions in real time, or I’m at least practicing on this skill, currently. My emotional experience is still a fucking forcefield, no matter how built up or not. And, sadly, tragically, my least successfully process emotion is anger. I just need to make sure that my sweet little hot headed self doesn’t get myself fired….. Definitely need to keep food on my table and a solid roof over my head.

pouco a pouco.