sucked dry
fuck what you heard (grr)
it’s what you hearin
- DMX, X Gon' Give It To Ya
Connecting with my emotional body is taking some fucking work.
In the past, I thought I had tried everything. Yoga, sound baths, meditations, breathe-work, grounding…. prayer... All that whoo whoo trendy bullshit that does genuinely work in some respects, especially for others, but anything involving sitting still or limiting my movement was just NOT fucking it for me.
Truly, anything that requires me to move slow fills me with a rage that I have previously tried to not vocalize. Sports, work, friendships, relationships. Spending my time and energy “investing in rest”, or “seeing how things go”, or “going at our own pace” (aka their SLOW ASS, indecisive, pace) has been the absolute bane of my existence. It’s why narcissists and I get along so well at the beginning. Love bombing never bothered me because my attraction is also instantaneous and intense (though, to be fair, my interest can also fade as quickly as it started….I’m working on it….).
Yes, I have had many, many, life chapters of slow, methodical, rest. But, in all truth and fairness, these slow chapters have been a response/ required recovery after I wasted unspeakable amounts of energy slowing down for the expectations, insecurities, and hesitations of others. Those life experiences quite literally sucked the life out of me to the point where, yes, I needed to slow down and recoup before getting back up again.
Actual real-life depiction of me, after ignoring my intuition and inner rage to slow down for those who just ended up wasting my time and sucking my energy dry.
This is why none of those slow, calm, and steady health routines helped me connect with my emotions. During all of my “tranquil energy work”, my mind stayed comfortably detached from my emotions, (…aside from the tsunami of emotional expression that would erupt out anytime I stayed in a self-made prison for too long… but more on that another time). Nothing, and I mean nothing, has worked.
Until Muay Thai.
I absolutely LOVE Muay Thai. It’s all body IQ. All movement. All power. And skill. It’s this tremendous flow of energy that just RUSHES through the body.
Granted… I am absolute shit at it. Absolute shit.
But the RUSH of rage that I get whenever I’m lightly hit in the face, BAM. No silencing those emotions, now. Damn. And, despite feeling just waves of fury, I am smiling EAR TO EAR. Because, deep down, I loooove the fucking fight. I love it. LOVE. IT. OOOph it reaches something deep within my soul and awakens me. (Maybe this is where all my sexual energy laid dominant... after too many underwhelming encounters…..because that is ceeertainly awakening again, too. Woof.)
At the same time, I hate to fucking lose. HATE. IT. That fuels me with the kind of rage that rips away my smile, real quick. Not a great energy to witness unless you share the same forcefield of energy that I possess. A guy once told me that this emotion of mine “sucks the warmth out of the room and turns everything to ice”. Damn, I must have really thought I loved him for him to have witnessed my Ice Queen aura and lived to tell the tale… But I digress…
So, naturally, I’m in a bit of a predicament while I learn to be at least halfway effective in my Muay Thai. Particularly on the defense. Because, let’s be honest, I don’t imagine I’ll be using my decorated “fists of fury” on others anytime soon. I doubt my double-jointed fingers adorned with rings will honestly do anything more than royally piss someone off. I’ve also have dealt with the fists of men with anger issues; I already got that on the bingo card. No need to re-up. But, I am also aware that, as this fire continues to erupt out of me, I will eventually piss of the wrong person. It’s just math.
So, if you dish out shit, you gotta be able to take some hits. Or at least be able to escape because I like breathing…..
That’s me!
…..LOL JK….
*I’m already fleeing the scene because I know my strengths are absolutely not leveraged in close encounters…
But, yea, I see no shame in fleeing. But you gotta have the opportunity to flee, first.
Thus, Muay Thai.
(LOL to yoga and breathe-work. Thanks for nothing… )
(LOL also, re breathing - I’ve got asthma, I was a swimmer, and I do enjoy to deep diving in water, so I’m actually pretty accustomed to not breathing a lot. Maybe I don’t actually like breathing that much….. haha.)