setting aflame
If I’m totally honest, there is a part of me that loves endings.
I love reaching the point of completion, understanding that there is no where else for something to go, nothing more to be gained. It usually comes as such a relief after spending probably a bit too much time un-turning every stone and investigating ever pathway, and I’m genuinely ready for something new. It’s this ‘knowing’ that I feel in my body; sometimes, it’s just time.
I haven’t always loved this gift, though, or even been fully connected to it…
Trusting a ‘knowing’ within the body isn’t exactly rational. It can’t be explained, reasoned with, discussed, or even understood (usually) by others. I spent way too long, and wasted way too much time, second guessing this awareness or even downplaying it because it didn’t match what I could explain, and if I couldn’t explain it, then it wasn’t valid. I’ve had to learn through so much trial and error, and plenty of dark experiences where I didn’t listen to my body at all, and instead deferred to another with a more “rational” mindset. (Plot twist, these “rational” minds usually ended up being hyper manipulative and damaged people who desired control over others to compensate for their own inner battles… but more on that another time..). I feel like this is one of the areas in my life that I have been slow to catch on to, and I watch and observe others who have mastered listening to their body with awe and curiosity.
Something about my temper, though, and my ability to act effectively under pressure, brings me back to my intuitive body. It’s when I reflect on these moments that I start to understand how my body communicates with me, and how I can start connecting with it more regularly. Endings, for example, are a primary theme in these moments. When I know it’s past time to leave, but I choose to stay, it’s almost like I witness that energy start to collapse around me. It’s this decay that sets in, and my intolerance for any grievances I may have seems to grow exponentially. Finally, my short temper resurfaces, and my emotional reactions to small instances due to the culmination of pent-up frustrations, leads to a divide. In situations where I REALLY stayed too long, my edgy temperament also leads to the end of that situation, entirely.
This is primarily why I dip quick, these days. I look back at my 20s, and I have such gratitude for my temper, and my ability to leave situations not for me and pivot to create new ones. Granted, I never loved the consequences (and embarrassment) of an unhinged emotional response, so that’s still an area in my life that I obsessively work on. But I wouldn’t have understood how strong I was, internally, if I had somehow found a way to keep me small enough to stay within decaying situations.
Ending situations, gracefully, is something I’m still working on, though. Now, I have the awareness, and I’ve learned to trust it (for better or worse). But, I am not a patient woman…. In fact, all the patience I do have has been earned through struggle; I don’t have it in infinite supply. So when it’s time to end something, I always think now is a great time. Others in the situation though… respond in varying degrees of emotional expressions... I know that most people believe that having a conversation in person is always the best, most respectful, call, I truly believe that this should be reserved for the ending of significant relationships that were actively present prior to the end. Emphasis on actively present.
For example…
I have plenty of friends that simply faded into the distant background, with little to no contact, because our dynamic came to a natural end. Nothing personal; just there is little to no life overlap or additive value that we can give each other. Why does a conversation need to be had?
Then, there are others who grab on, claw in, and then require certain behavior to “fit their needs” all the time. These dynamics, I usually end on a voice note. I don’t want to waste any more energy giving to a dynamic that was sucking me dry. No thanks; I’m good. Leave your frustrations in a voice note or text. Though chances are, I’ll feel no reason to read it.
I’ve moved through life rapidly, in many places with many kinds of people, and I have gratitude for it all. But there is a big difference between choosing people for chapters and lessons, and choosing people for the long haul. Those are two, distinctly different, groups of people; the latter being the rarest kind of human to encounter.
I believe I have met some of my lifelong friends; the friends that feed your soul, that make you laugh, that push you to grow, that support you when you’re in a low point. But, I also know, the length of a dynamic or situation in my life is not something I control, at least not entirely. I can force it to last, for sure, but that’s basically like trying to plant seeds with stones. It’s frustrating, it bears no fruit, and it’s a complete waste of everyone’s time. I can say this from experience. Lots of time was wasted in the dynamics that had long past fulfilled their usefulness. So, I’ve now come to really relish and LOVE the ending process. Oh, lawdy, and the sweet freedom, thereafter, cannot be put to words.
Though, and I cannot overstate this enough, don’t be surprised if chapters of loneliness follow. It’s truly part of the process, at least in my case. Learning to say ‘no’ to draining situations is just one side of the coin; learning to say ‘yes’ to satisfying situations is the other. The second has been….. a more difficult process for me, to be sure. Again, I’ve been a bit slow to listening to my body… and that’s where that information lies.
So, I’m still a lovely work in progress. But, I can say with complete certainty, that when faced with the realization that a dynamic has reached the end of it’s function: