vulnerability
So, after writing my last post, I actually reread my blog. Here I was thinking that maybe sharing vulnerability was the thing, as well as my incomplete ideas. Which, is definitely part of it, but to be totally honest, I’ve always been an open book. Even though I’m human and I get deeply insecure, the net response I have is that I don’t give a shit what others think of me. Yea, I might squirm in absolute ruin when I’m rejected or something, I am a deeply sensitive lady, but if some random person that I have no stake in dislikes me, cheers. Be free and go literally anywhere else. Bejois.
Thus, if vulnerability is just an “is” with me, that’s probably not the only thing I’m being called to share, or I wouldn’t have ended up in a fucking whale’s stomach (per my last post).
I think I’m actually supposed to speak about what I see…. Let’s try, again!
Ever since I was little, I have had lucid nightmares. Nightmares upon nightmares upon nightmares. I used to only be able to sleep with the night light on, or even full lights on, really. And I kept a kid’s Bible picture book (it was GIANT) under my pillow at all times with my stuffed-animal warriors surrounding me in my bed. I was legitimately terrified of what I saw as soon as I closed my eyes, or what I was able to see when the lights went out.
This isn’t like Monsters Inc - cutesy “mistakenly-seeing” things with my imagination. The things I see are truly…. soul-hallowing. My mother, bless her, capitalized on this to make me more “in need” of her, and used to tell me that they were Demons coming to me at night, and that I wasn’t safe without her (or without giving her absolute control). The learned helplessness was so valid for me, that I truly did struggle to sleep on my own well into my 20s. I refuse to watch horror films of the sci-fi variety because I realized that I was recognizing types of entities in these movies from what I’d see and experience in my life. Once, when I was sleeping next to my then boyfriend, one of these entities noticed me noticing them in a dream I was having, which terrified me awake in a cold sweat. Even worse, when I opened my eyes to reach for the light, I was immediately greeted by the entity towering over me in bed, looking at my with obsessive curiosity, because, naturally, it had FOLLOWED ME OUT of the dream. It’s presence even woke up my boyfriend. Though he couldn’t see it like I could, he sure as hell felt it. So much so, that he researched the best way to keep entities at bay, and hand-wove a dreamcatcher the very next day to protect our room because he was so shaken up. While the dream catcher has long past been lost, and the love used to weave its protection long deteriorated, to this day, I still sleep with a stuffy to protect me (his name is Howie, and he’s a badass blue dragon that I got for myself at an amusement park in Madrid after a veeeery dark experience the night prior in Barcelona. More on that another time).
At this point in my life, I’ve started to deduce what these entities are, and learned to be more strict with my boundaries when they come around (and thereby be less scared of them). My working theory is that these walking terrors are souls lost in their own “Hell Loops” simply reflecting back to us that which we fear within ourselves: our darkness, our complexity, our inconsistencies. When I really look at these entities, and I describe the features I see, they actually just have exaggerated physicalities and deformities of humans, of us, of them.
But there in lies the origins of my curiosity. My interpretation of this is that, at some point, these souls did something unforgivable. Something either rejected directly by society, or just by themselves, but fundamentally, it was something(s) they deemed unforgivable at the most subconscious level of their being. Something their subconscious deemed to be so grotesque, that they no longer could look at their truth within. So they contorted and knarled their being into specific attributes that made them feel powerful, made them feel justified, and that made them forget their own self-damnation by projecting the fault elsewhere. I think they are the ones that failed to find understanding within their own darkness. And slowly, over time, and centuries of fixating on the same energy, in endless loops, they began to physically display that which ails their soul. When I look at people, myself included, I can see this type of energy forming because we, ourselves, continually feel imprisoned in our own Hell Loops of guilt and shame. We all crave to live in the delusion that we don’t have darkness, at all. I think it makes us feel safer….
But, alas, as it turns out, we actually just feel safer in our Hell Loops.
While this understanding is still forming for me, I do deeply believe that, as humans, we are more than capable of creating and reliving our own True Hell Loops during our lives as a result of us holding on to past pain, shame, and trauma responses. I, myself, have had to work out of several Hell Loops. Shame and embarrassment for my temper, for even my inner thoughts of cruelty, and for an uncountable number of other reasons, kept me locked within what ended up being a very open room with no guards. I have a cruelty shadow deep within that terrifies me, or at least it used to. After all of this inner work, I’ve come to treat my inner darkness with the respect and devotion it deserves. And I believe that everyone, these entities included, are looking for ways to accept their own darkness, too, consciously or not.
Putting all of this, together, I think the reason why I can see these entities and why I have such transformative energy is because my soul wants to help others break free of their own Hell Loops. Almost like bringing a lantern to a dark room. I won’t do the work for you, but I sure as hell will stand by your side and shine a light so you can see what needs to be done with more clarity. During this era of time, we have a bad habit of damning each other for our mistakes. And, yea, some of us do do unforgiveale shit, without question. I genuinely hold the belief that certain, if not all, wounds cannot be healed with the abuser present. But, in the darkest truth, we are all abusers to some, no matter how pious we desire to see ourselves.
It’s part of the game of this life. To realize the darkness that you, yourself, carry, and learn how to transmute it….. even in the context of your darkness having inflicted heinous acts on others. It is because of this that you have been tasked to transmute more darkness, because you are strong, and you have to remember this at your core being, and forgive yourself at your core being, before you can break free of your Hell Loops that lead to those actions in the first place.
I’m obsessive about healing myself, because I’d be fucking useless on this path if I was actively stuck in my own Hell Loops, or if I didn’t truly understand what darkness really is. Additionally, new awareness comes up all the time; we are human, so we are damn skilled at creating Hell Loops. I’d be lying to myself if I said I will never enter a Hell Loop, again. Fuck, I might even been in 3 or 4, presently, but lack the general awareness to see it. It’s not about never being in a Hell Loop; it’s about acknowledging that you have found yourself in one, so thus it’s your Hell Loop to transmute and move on. I feel like I’ve been to Hell enough times by now to not fear this process, anymore.
The name of the game is transmutation. But, it’ll take some serious grit. Best to roll up your selves and get dirty. Clock is ticking.
LOL this is a bit more confronting than my last post… So, I’m probably getting closer to what my soul is here to share, and thereby avoiding the fucking whale’s belly, again.