fate
I have a weird relationship with the concept of fate and destiny.
I do deeply believe that we all chose to incarnate for specific purposes, and to experience and grow through specific things. I also believe that this plane is one of the few planes where we can interact with both light and darkness, simultaneously, and choose which energy we want to leverage at any specific time.
Do I have proof of this? Absolutely fucking not.
But, I do have faith in this, at least at the moment I’m writing this post. I find it hard to believe in more restricting perspectives, and I wonder if I will think the above is too restrictive in the future, but I feel like there is way to much choice and variety for it to veer too far from the above.
Expanding on that thread, I feel like some of us incarnate with more life path options than others, depending on what (or who) you wanted to incarnate for.
For me, specifically, I feel like my soul chose from just a few options, where, based on my choice (or the choices of others who might play significant roles on that path), the way things unfold are beautifully woven by fate. Why do I think this? Because I often find that I fucking hate it because there is a deep awareness that I, in fact, do not control much of what happens in my life. And despite what I say in a smiling, light, voice, I fucking hate being out of control. Which is probably why my life is legitimately chaos because fate is constantly…giving me opportunities…. to release control.
Honestly, I do have a good bit of control. I control A LOT, actually, in terms of how I choose to work on myself, to heal, to empower myself, and to really live by my core values. In my personal experience, living by my core values is absolutely metal. Because while living by your core values sounds like sunshine and fucking daisies, it’s actually lead me to see into some pretty wack ass mirrors of illumination where I am behaving way outside of those core values.
For instance, one of my core values in unity. Seems pretty vanilla, not much to it right? LOL, as I have found out, this is very much incorrect. I used to believe that part of this core value including advocating for nonviolence.
Claimin' they nonviolent, talkin' like they— (Do not resist the beat)
Spit venom in interviews, speakin' on reunions
Move units, then talk shit, and we can do this
Until then, I ain't even speakin' your name
Just keep my name out of your mouth, and we can keep it the sameWhat’s the Difference - Dr. Dre, Eminem n’ Fam
Thanks Daddy Dre* (I specifically call Dr. Dre this because one of my best friends, Thomas, absolutely hates when I say it. He pretends to not react by keeping his face expressionless, but I know. I can feel his revulsion to it. So, naturally, I will use every single opportunity I can to say “Daddy Dre” because I relish in his discomfort. #loveYouThomas).
No, but really, it’s really easy to sing songs of nonviolence when your world simply offsets the violence, both those who inflict it and those who receive it, elsewhere. I got a real fast ass reality check when I realized that, at least due to the way the world is now, intimately linking nonviolence and unity too soon is actually an incredibly contradictory assumption. Does that mean I advocate for violence? No, but I respectfully acknowledge that, in this life, I am way too ignorant and inexperienced with being put in a situation where violence is actually called for to make any sort of judgement calls on it. This is one of those topics where I will lead by respectfully following those who are more suited to make that call.
But, I digress…..
The reason I’m actually writing about fate, today, is because I feel like fate can go fuck itself right now.
Like, truly, this lady is pissed off.
Story Time:
About 4 years ago, I went through a pretty abrupt break up from a long term relationship. The reality was, the signs were there for way longer than I care to admit, but I feigned ignorance because I wanted it to work. Pandemic years cleared all that shit out, so I feel like a lot of relationships that were already in the shitter (like mine #twinsies) exploded into a firing ball of “fuck no” when we were all forced to actually spend consistent time together. But, I took my time, and processed my pain, and really accepted the reality that I was actually not happy at all in that relationship. Gratitude set in, and I was started to be more ready for a new relationship.
Then, enters the man of my dreams. I had never really understood when people said “Love at First Sight”, and while this wasn’t technically technically that, it was like this instantaneous, intense, feeling like I was going to marry that man. Granted, I’m not really a marriage-oriented person. It kind of seems like a prison, to me, and I have watched miserable marriages last too long and people left financially destitute thereafter. My last break up was hard, but the reality is that the break up took no more than 3 months for it to be complete, gone, and over. So I’d rather have that type of situation for the long term vs what I see happen in these divorces (low key, I feel like divorces are one of those things in modern society reserved for our darkest behaviors; I don’t want that kind of florescent light shown on me or someone I had formally loved… The heartbreak is truly expensive enough…).
Again, I digress.
Something about this man changed my WHOLE perspective on this. My delusional hope was initiated, as well as just this deeply deeply rooted fear of commitment. As I’ve said, before, I’m a lady of constant contrasts: as much energy as I have in one direction, I have in equal and opposite magnitude. Ergo, delusional desire for marriage, delusional fear of commitment. I am constantly at war with one side of myself at all times; it’s just the card I chose when I incarnated.
Digressing, AGAIN…
Originally, he also felt the same intensity…. or so I thought. Granted, I had like 7 or 8 active dumpster fires going on that I was… mitigating.. kind of… but I wasn’t really presenting myself as a solid investment. I feel no shame in this, though, at least now, because I truly unearthed some serious bullshit from my life - both self-imposed and otherwise - so I wouldn’t change a thing. But, in the middle of that cycle, I will say I was more of a “Chicken Nugget” energy than the “Empress”:
In she came with the same type game.
Type of girl giving out fake cell phone and name.
Big fame, she like cats with big things
Jewels chipped, money clip, phone flip, the six range
I seen her on the Ave, spotted her more than once
Ass so fat that you could see it from the front
***
She telling me commitment is something she can’t manage.
Can I kick it? (Yes, you can!)
Can I kick it? (Yes, you can!)
Can I kick it? (Yes, you can!)
Can I kick it? (Yes, you can!)
Can I kick it? (Yes, you can!)
Can I kick it? (Yes, you can!)
Can I kick it? (Yes, you can!)
Well, I'm gone (Go on then!)
Can I kick it? To my Tribe that flows in layers.
***
Boy this track really has a lot of flavor
When it comes to rhythms, Quest is your savior
Follow us for the funky behavior
***Later Edit: Apparently, I have yet to connect a song to the Empress card. At least in the context of this post…. so I made a creative inference / I accidentally put the High Priestess in stead, which is a beautiful mistake that makes more sense to me than the Empress ever did. LOOK AT THAT CHILL BITCH. Like, note the goddamn crown and complete authority in this pic. I think this energy still alludes to the same way I used the Empress energy, below.
Anyways…. back to the original post.
My logic around this is as follows:
In Ms. Fat Booty, he really deeply wants it to work with this girl. He’s all about her vibe, and he basically gets tunnel vision obsessed… In retrospect…..confrontingly….this was probably my energy toward this man… Blasted, kids! But, yea, she specifically tells him that commitment really isn’t her thing… She’s a fun time, but a bad bet for investing in the longterm. Thus, a chicken nugget: enjoy your chicken nuggets, but don’t make a life off of it, or your stomach will hurt. You get the gist.
The Empress is like, WOW. That bitch is abundant, dynamic, nurturing, strong, femininity in it’s entirety (dark and light attributes). That bitch will not only keep you in line, she will take what you give her and make 1000x from it. She’s is crème de la crème. You wife that shit, immediately. (And as the High Priestess, chill as fuck in the state of abundance and completely living out that Hot Bitch vibe).
The moral of the story is, we can all be Chicken Nuggets. It really just depends on the situation, and the person. Sometimes, the Chicken Nugget energy is all that’s there. So, enjoy it for what it is but don’t try to make an Empress from a Chicken Nugget.
During that chapter of my life, I was a Chicken Nugget. Straight up. Though I saw the Empress energy, within, and I’m absolutely stepping into that vibe now, I still had a lot of shit to work with and deal with, internally, before I was even on the right path to my Empress Era. Do I think we could have healed together as a team? Absolutely. But that requires two to be on board, and for there to be some sort of soul-stitching bond that keeps two people together during that kind of inner work and healing.
Clearly, that was not what this man and I had.
When I say that him stepping out of my life broke me, I’d be lying a bit. I was already basically duck-taped together in a sack of shit sundae. He was simply the cherry on top. I actually had to go through a number of other harsh lessons with lovers before my body truly gave into the fact that I was “0 out of 10 not ok” despite my career taking off during this time (like, how did I become this successful in Data Engineering while my personal life was just an absolute disaster?). I should probably give myself more credit, though, because most of these disasters were recognized by me, and handled accordingly. There has never been a moment in time that I offset the net responsibility for my own bullshit because I was the one experiencing the consequences of them, so I was particularly motivated to clean house.
But, this man leaving my life did break me, in some respects. My intuition is dynamite - it’s legitimately never wrong. However, my interpretation of it can be way off, or I can simply choose to not listen to it (pan to some really epic disasters….). But, I had totally thought he was The One. I remember spending time with him, and feeling this sensation like I was catching my breathe. Like I had been running and running and running, but didn’t realize until I was near him, and I felt myself resting. To this day, I have not experienced this energy with anyone else. I have for a moment or two, or some semblance of it that reminds me of the sensation, but I still don’t quite understand it…
It’s been over 2 years since I’ve seen him, last, and the speaking has been minimal, at best. He truly did not reciprocate feelings this intensely, as he kind of just saw me as a joy ride. Chicken Nugget energy; fair. But it really threw me through a loop that I was that off base. It was actually during my “Jonah in the Whale’s Belly” era that I finally reached deep enough into my subconscious to realize that I was more comfortable with rejection than presence, so his inconsistency and hot/cold behavior felt comfortable to me. It felt like home. I knew that energy well, so I had to really do some deep work to teach my myself how to receive better….Which is still a work in progress. Since him, and as the result of other dark experiences I went/ grew through, I keep people at a pretty far distance. But I’ve now long accepted that his presence, and then abrupt absense, was one of my biggest teachers in this life, and I have gratitude that our lives fully drifted apart.
PAN TO NOW……………. This is where fate can go fuck itself.
I decided to do a month Citizen trip in Floripa because I’m living in Rio, anyways, and I tend to self-isolate to near-extinction. I thought that putting myself in a position to socialize more and be around people more consistently would help me really experience life in the 3D vs always hermitting in my apartment, which I can literally do in any fucking country.
I FOUND OUT LAST WEEK THAT HE’S IN THE GROUP.
It’s only like fucking 28 people. And the whole design of the month is to be in communion with each other and share spaces. Literally, what the literal fuck. As expected, he seems totally tranquilo about it and is acting normal in the group chats, and it’s just fucking Tuesday. I, however, have gone through cycles of being numb (honestly, the fav…), sobbing myself to sleep, experiencing uncomfortably extreme rage, being completely embarrassed and ashamed (and therefore posting up in my apartment)…. And then, thankfully, there’s this overwhelming strength with a dash of gratitude that now I get to see how much I’ve grown based on how this month goes. It feels like a goodbye, in all honesty, so that I can fully let go. Because, we can let go as much as we fucking want in isolation, but the real test to your growth is when you’re placed in the same, triggering, situation once more.
Fuck if I know how this month will go. I just hope that Empress Lady I am now doesn’t regress to any Chicken Nugget behavior. I am known for being petty in my rage…in like…embarrassingly silly ways that are absolutely juvenile… so praying that I handle this better than my past self world.
Thanks fate for the giant “fuck you”………… and for helping me close out that chapter, fully, so I’m no longer tied to a delusion from the past.