perspective
So, I had a call with my mentor, yesterday, and I told him about all the things. I was so excited about my newfound clarity, and I told him about all the new initiatives and boundaries I was enforcing and reclaiming my power.
My mentor did confirm that, yes, I am going through a Death process….. but….. he also called me THE FUCK out.
YO where is the loyalty (teart)….
The loyalty is to my truest, most authentic self…. And I have not yet mastered how to surrender to her, yet…..
So, here is my mentor’s take on the situation currently at hand:
Premise
This situation was engineered for me to develop an indifference to rejection. And, how am I to accomplish this? By being grounded in the KNOWING that somebody’s rejection, or acceptance, of me has nothing to do with me, at all. For the path I have chosen to take in this like, I need to master the ability to hear and experience someone’s NO and know that their NO is truly not about me.
To put it more concisely, this situation has been perfectly engineered for me to accomplish the following life perspectives:
(1) Immunity to Disappointment
(2) Indifference to Rejection
Context
One of my mentor’s spiritual gifts is deeply understanding the core theme of energetic dynamics, being from the soul level all the way up to our egoic presentations and self-made protections. I, of course, had FMOMD’s design chart. And I, of course, already put up the connection chart for my call with my Mentor. My original premise was to show off how well I was handling this situation….
LOL… but, it twas not so….
Based on what my mentor saw in the cards, saw in my aura, and what highlighted for him in the below connection chart, my mentor has quite a confronting take on the current situation. He said that I and the FMOMD are both each other’s Tower Moments.
Both FMOMD and I have Open G Centers, Open Ego Centers, and Open Emotional Centers. When these centers are wide open, we commonly enter into “Not-Self” behavior in order to find one defined energetic expression, because this is what our minds (and society) are more comfortable with. For me, this is another way of talking about our self-made Sunken Places. The gift of Open Centers is to actually have endless expressions of those Centers, not one Fixed one, but we can create fixed expressions by living through inauthentic / “protective” filters.
So, what did my mentor see happening?
For the FMOMD, my mentor read that his Open Ego is saying “you’re not going to make me question myself or my lack in consistency, communication, fear of commitment (etc)” while his Open Solar Plexus is saying “you’re not going to make me question my choices or confront that truth”
For me, my mentor read that my Open Solar Plexus (Emotional) is saying “you’re not going to make me feel so unloveable + if I become emotional, I will drown in the depths of them, forever” and my Open Ego is saying “you’re not going to make me question my worthiness”.
Accurate on my end….
My mentor also helped me understand why I am just a fucking bag of tears in this situation. See that Recognition Channel (30-41) in the connection chart? That connects one of FMOMD’s Defined Root Center Gates, 41 - Gate of Analysis (placed in his Venus….), with one of the hanging gates, 30 - The Gate of Feelings and Desires (placed in my Saturn…), on my Open Emotional Center. Evidently, this just makes me feel all the feels. In energetic terms, it gives me fixed expression of all emotions that I need to process, in real fucking time, and in it’s full, true, intensity. Since my Solar Plexus is Open, I can usually avoid this, or at the very least, diminish the intensity, with others. But around FMOMD? The Universe is like, “Strap the fuck in, Em. You’re stuck on this ride” because my emotional expression is being powered by his Defined Root Center.
Fucking phenomenal…
The Growth Challenge
I’m being asked to stay present with my emotions, and allow them to flow in real time, because - in reality - emotions are short lived if we just let them be. I won’t drown. I just need to simply let them flow, let them out, because they are the necessary next step for me to get fully aligned with myself.
Because, the real challenge of this month is to actually get back in line with Hope. Remember when I wrote about Hope being my motivation in life? The confronting perspective my mentor shared is that, since the ending of my interaction with FMOMD, years back, I actually regressed back into Guilt. Yes, I am always healing. Yes, i always always always have access to the most Hopeful perspective, but I have been hiding in Guilt to grab some semblance of control. In Guilt, I take action to create structures and systems in my life to prevent issues from arising….
And I’m now being asked to release that control….instead of trying to prevent disaster, I’m being asked to be rooted in the KNOWING that I can handle anything that comes up on my path, in real time, when it shows up. That’s what the motivation of Hope is all about.
“I don’t believe someone with Hope Motivation can ever be too hopeful. It’s the life perspective you are designed to bring into the world.”
Ironically, FMOMD’s motivation in life is Guilt. So, when he’s being his Not-Self, he’s overly Hopeful and doesn’t take action, instead waiting for “the right time to present itself” and not bothering to make plans in advance.
In relation to this dynamic with FMOMD, and us being here for a month together….My mentor actually said I need to approach the situation with hope, and with non-attachment. Because, in my mentor’s words, the relationship between us will always be a possibility, since we each possess skills, gifts, and rebalancing energy that the other desires, and needs, in this life. Can it be surrendered and accepted? Yes. Can it be functional? Yes. However, it would require at least one of us to lead with our true motivation: either mine in Hope, or his in Guilt.
For any kind of relationship between us to work, being romantic or friendship or even acquaintances, it would at least require one of us to confront the inadequacies we each feel in our Open G Centers, the bruised pride we each feel in our Open Ego Centers, and the emotions that arise - however intense - that we each feel in our Open Solar Plexus Centers.
At the end of the day, all I’m meant to do - all I’m being asked to do, by Spirit - is move through my emotions. To feel. And, then, to transform what I feel into my Hope. And to let FMOMD respond to that, or to let him choose not too, and know that neither response has anything to do with me, at all…..
I’m still taking it all in….. Still processing….
But I do know that I will apologize to FMOMD, when the right time presents itself (lol trying out this whole “Hope” thing)… I’ve been ignoring him, because it’s getting increasingly hard to look at him without the immediate threat of water-faucet tears….. but ignoring someone’s existence is a cruel act, and I know far too well how fucking painful it is to be at the receiving end of someone’s violent silence…..
I don’t know how to handle this situation, and I have been watching myself fail at it….Ignoring you was cruel, and I’m sorry.