profound understanding
Last night, I had such a powerful moment of profound awareness.
I get it, I get it now. What’s been going on the last couple of weeks. Why the emotional processing has been so intense, and so insistent.
It has very little to do with the FMOMD (former man of my dreams). Hardly anything, actually.
The intensity of seeing him, and being in his presence, is bringing me FACE-TO-FACE with my old self, and where I have actually silenced her to fit into smaller, tighter, controlled…. and most importantly, isolated, life perspectives as a result of how my past self chose to move forward after the rejection.
The reality of the situation with FMOMD was that it was perfectly avoidant. It was actually hardly rooted in reality, at all. When you’re dealing with a person that is completely out of sync with themselves, that has, for lack of a better phrase, punt-kicked their inner child into the sunken place deep within, the emotionally sensitive spirits -like mine- can fill in our complete dream of what we want reality to be like. Nothing more delicious to us dreamers than A BLANK PAGE where we can make anything seem real. True and terrifying talent, to be sure. I think it’s the sacred contract that Emotionals have with Avoidants: we really do all get to avoid being in reality.
Our self-made Sunken Places are a pretty fucking miserable place to be. It’s a prison of nothingness that we trap our true selves, in a desperate attempt to protect ourselves, but at the true cost of not living out our own lives. And, yes, I mean this as dark as the movie implies: we quite literally hand over the keys of our being to something else. Some other constructed life, and then we pretend like we’re still alive. The scene to the left still fills me with chills, because everyone can feel that our perfectly crafted facades, sometimes entirely absent of our true selves (that are entrapped in the Sunken Place….), and it feels off. Something feels wrong…. But, if there are those attached to your facade, they will do everything in their power to keep you trapped there, because the existence and comfort of their own facades depends on yours remaining intact, too.
I am in a delicious, real-life, situation that is making me entirely too aware of how perfectly I executed this feat in my life. My inner self is quite literally shattering through my perfectly-constructed facade of a self with rage, tears, panic, and - most importantly - joy. Even in all the messiness, even with the sharp, intense, pain of allowing my heart to be fully present and in control, again, of my essence….. Even with all of that, i feel alive, again,
“Howl : I feel terrible, like there’s a weight on my chest.
Young Sophie : A heart’s a heavy burden.”
This entire situation, this entire month, is making me come face-to-fucking-face with myself. And the polarizing part of it is that I love love love what I am seeing.
Because the break downs and the panics attacks related to the confrontation of the FMOMD are such small part of what I see happening, here. What I see unfolding. Simply put, FMOMD is the “Troll Toll” that I have to pay to, that I have to confront, to really reclaim my Power in Spades and free myself from my prisons.
.
No one else put me there, not even FMOMD, who was really more of a figment of my imagination than anything else. Did I use that pain to transform? Fuck yea I did. It’s been fucking metal, 0/10 not a good time. But do I need to stay in it? Fuck no I don’t.
I fucking got this. In fact, I’m going to FUCKING transform this.
Fuck the Troll Toll. This is my bridge, now.
….
Now, please enjoy the scene I am referring to, if you’re BEHIND ON MOVIES LIKE THOMAS ->