variability
I find it fascinating how often, and how completely, my carefully constructed, well-thought-out, perceptions can be absolutely obliterated within basically the blink of a fucking eye (FUCKING FATE’S EYE……I have words….).
It’s actually one of the primary reasons why I come across as inconsistent or I change my mind quickly. Because, I find new, profound, understandings to be so intense and impactful that, no matter how far off my original thought process was, I pivot my mentality, immediately.
Problem is, this leads to a pretty intense blindspot regarding manipulation and gaslighting. And, as I’ve said before, no one can gaslight me like I can gaslight myself….
This perplexing conundrum is why I am in the interesting emotional state of today….
The experience of being around people all the time has been a mixed bag. Net positive, to be sure, but also a damn learning curve….
I over-hermitted, without question, for the last several years. I over-identified with my independence, and my singleness, which lead me to feeling isolated and alone. We know that part. And, per my usual routine, I over-compensate by pendulum swinging directly into max-socialization experiences (with so many delicious opportunities to do so). And, of course, group socializing is really so lovely….but, it’s not without it’s complications and adjustments….
I mean this in 3 respects:
(1) The FMOMD Saga Continues….
FMOMD is actually showing up as a super, incredibly emotionally conscious, new masculine friend. For all the things that happened in the past, for all the emotions and chaos and fucking inconsistencies that I experienced in our past dynamic, he’s actually been incredibly open and willing to talk with me, now. Hell, he even said we could go to a boxing ring, glove up, and I could let out my inner anger and pain about what happened between us. IS THIS NOT THE MASCULINE ENERGY I’VE BEEN INVITING IN TO MY LIFE?
I’m floored….
But, also, I’m incredibly grateful and honestly a bit ashamed as well. It’s very clearly a friendship, nothing more. Despite past emotional memories, the break was too deep and too complete for me to invest a new part of my heart in anything substantial between us… even in the scope of friendship, really…
But, I have seen my former side come out as being flirty….and impatient…. and the collection of my polarities have added a lot of chaos into our dynamic, both in the past and in modern days. I can’t seem to find an emotional ”neutral”, here, despite all the rational in the world.
The cut he left was too deep.
But, clearly Spirit intervened and brought him back into my life because there were some ways that I incorrectly healed.
…hyper-independence being one of them….
I totally, totally, snapped at FMOMD this weekend - over voice note, my specialty - and I felt this raging sadness thereafter…. I was keen to avoid him for the rest of the month. Done, just done.
However…
As fate would have it (goddamn always intervening….), we ended up running in to each other in the hall, to which he then took the lead to make space for us to talk it out, since it was clear I was in an uneasy emotional state about it….
He sat there, and just listened to me. Listened to my emotional shpeal. All of it. Didn’t get defensive (….not that I was throwing swords…just facts…). And, after I vented, he apologized, empathized with me, and stood by his original words that he was grateful our lives overlapped again, it must be for a reason, and that he wants to foster a genuine friendship with me. It came from just this purely genuine and rooted place… with so much peace…
I’ve never really experienced someone standing in my chaos long enough for me to calm down, before…..
Even me explaining the deductions that I made from how our interaction ended, he was more than vulnerable in explaining to me what had happened from his end, and basically helped me line-by-line denounce the original learnings I took from it.
Yet, despite how well that interaction went, I genuinely just feel like crying, and kind of screaming, actually. Screaming into a black abyss that can absorb all of the complicated feelings I feel right now…. Kind of like that scene in Garden State…..
It’s not because I’m mad, per say. I’m actually thrilled to be proven wrong. The ending of this interaction brought me to my knees, and while it was in the midst of other really self-inflicted and otherwise dark situations, it was formally my beacon of hope…. that I’d be ok…. And the lose of that beacon put me on the path of some pretty fucking deep healing, and that shitstorm was certainly not a fucking trip to Disneyland..…
But this is such a fucking perception fuck.. Again, as I have mentioned in reference to this situation, I’m continually thrown off by how fucking off I can be with my concept and connection to reality. I’m struggling to tie it all together….
To be fair to me, could my outbursts and sensation of rage-tears actually be due to the fact that he’s gaslighting me? I bet that is partially so. I was trained to take on the maximum amount of ownership in a situation, and I can’t ignore the fact that us being on good terms this month makes this month feel better. Being on bad or silent terms would simply be more uncomfortable.
Gaslighting is a legit, major, blind spot for me. I actually went through this deeply painful situationship last year, where emotions never went too deep (despite words), because that motherfucker gaslight the fuck out of me. To this day, I have never met a man who’s word was so worthless. And, even in the midst of that, even with my heart not in it, my friends had to literally help me break free from that because I couldn’t see the gaslighting like they could. One of my friends famously said “He gives you just enough rope to hang yourself on”. So, I know that that is a blind spot… and my only indicator that something is up is my emotional reaction to it….
Which, brings me to next, frustrating, revelation…
(2) Group Dynamics and Female Friends Make Me Insecure
As soon as I get into a group situation, I feel like I become an absolute follower. Absolute. I tend to attract and find strong females in groups, and I sort of become their bitch….at least, this was my routine in the past (pre-self-isolation for 2+ years…) At first, it’s a recognition that we’re both/all powerful women. That’s clear from the start, and it’s nice not to have to taper it down so someone can handle you aura.
Love that part.
But, as I’ve come to find, most powerful women I know have a pretty strong, fixed, and consistent sense of identity. I genuinely do not. It’s in my Human Design chart, it’s clear from how my life has unfolded, and no matter how much growth and empowerment I do, it’s simply inconsistent. So, I can be an absolute lioness one day, and then a little meek child the next. It’s just my flow.
It usually feels pretty normal to me, the ebb and flow of it. It’s something I’ve gotten accustomed to, and being mostly in solitude and on my own, I don’t really notice the fluctuations as I just keep my head down and. mind my business when I’m alone.
But, because of this, without fail, I notice this slow climb of tension, like off beat moments that increase in frequency, between me and these female friends.
Again, not personal. Inconsistencies in identity is something we are taught to fear, and it is particularly difficult to understand for someone who is fixed (which I get). I actually further… exacerbate.. this issue by trying to pivot back to the force of nature energy instead of taking a step back. But, because I don’t have my batch of that energy in stock, I amplify theirs. Which, they then feel, and it leads to the sensation that maybe I was never powerful at all… Maybe it was just a facade…. distrust (or dislike, really) starts to set in…
The reality is, the longer I go without alone time to reset, the weaker I get in groups. It’s like I’m Calcifer, running low on wood (…or eyes….) to eat to stay at my powerful self.
I feel that deterioration happening, now, and I’m less and less able to show up as a force of nature as I navigate the treacherous waters of seeing a past love (LOL THEE PAST LOVE INTEREST) every. single. fucking. day.
That’s a weakness that powerful, independent, females don’t typically understand, and I genuinely do watch them think less of me for it.
And, yes, while my awareness of these energetic shifts are usually 10x more sensitive than the next guy’s (….or even an amplified version of what is occurring in reality…), it makes me nervous. Fluctuations in energy make me feel really insecure and unstable in new dynamics…. From past posts, you know that I have had lots of initially-amazing friendships that either fizzled out into nothingness…or…burst into epic flames of destruction, THEN fizzled out… So, naturally, I’m a bit sensitive to it.
Should I act on these sensitivities?
Absolutely fucking not.
I have learned my lesson re my continuous misinterpretation of reality. This is a struggle I have on all fronts, so it is safe to assume I am missing something, as this is usually the case. So, I’ll wait it out this time. Redirect my energies to others, and to myself, and see what happens.
I am really, really, trying to be more in that “flow state of mind” mentality, right now.
I want to embrace my sensitivity, my natural energetic flow, and my motherfucking femininity for fucks sake.
….Which, brings me to my final and most ground shattering revelation
(3) I Want to Remove Suffocating Structures From My Life
I don’t want to be a data engineer, anymore…. At least, not for awhile…. Not crazy outlandish for me to admit, but the context that it’s coming in is like a door slamming in my goddamn face.
Within the last week, my company revoked all international work and called everyone back to the States.
The news quite literally shocked my system so extremely, that I was bedridden sick the next day. (Also, I had bad mosquito bites, which in Brazil, means you’re getting sick whether you want to or not…)
Call me sensitive. I fucking know… But that is how my body responds to bad news…. It simply gives up for a bit…
While I can’t make the original date work (it was like 2 weeks from now….), I pivoted quick, and I’ll be back in LA come end of October.
I’m fucking devastated.
There is something about Brazil that is still pulling me here, calling me in. No matter how much time I’ve spent here - the better part of this year, actually - it feels like I’m barely skimming the surface. This pull…. is so spiritual, and so intense, that the mere fact that I have to leave has brought it back into blaring awareness that I need to make changes in order to stay on the (ever changing) life path that I find fulfilling.
It’s these moments, when what is playing out in your life is in stark contrast to where your soul is calling you, that lead to mental severing.
…So, like…. how many goddamn b2b mental severings does a girl have to have in a fucking lifespan before we get some of those Peace Credits?
But, I know what this means. It’s time to jump. It’s time to prep, then to pivot.
If I'm deeply honest to those soft whispers with….I just want to connect and to create….
I want to connect my deeply spiritual, barely present in the 3D, connection to real life, and to be able to live off of it.
I’m pissed. I’ve been a successful independent woman, with a pretty fire, self-made, financial backing… And, now, I’m being called to fully give that up and take a fucking deep dive into the unknown…..again.
THE JONAH AND THE MOTHERFUCKING WHALE SITUATION RESURFACES.
LOL……It’s almost like I over-identified with being independent and alone……which lead me to living in a whale’s tummy for an eternity….
FUCKING fine. I surrender. I’ll do it, because if I don’t go willingly….. a Tower moment will ensue, and that’s just unnecessary at this point. There is literally enough Upheaval goin’ on in this lady’s life for me to just casually sign on for another a Tower moment.
I heard it.
I hear it.
I will answer the call.
Just don’t fucking rush me…..*respectfully.