tethered inspiration
If I am anything, I am a woman of action. I am comfortable making decisions on impulse, with little else other than my intuition, and I generally have no (net) regrets over those decisions.
When I make decisions to advance my ambitions, I’m quite comfortable moving through these paths on the fly because my intuition has always been strong, and very loud, when it’s time to act. And I leveraged my Nomadic Emily presentation to strengthen my connection to it. Over the course of several years, the chaos and chronic change within a Nomadic lifestyle gave me no shortage of opportunities to amplify my gift: constantly in situations to pivot and decide, to move to the next city, book the next flight, find the next lifestyle or life interest, move ahead my career, study another language, or even to simply find something to eat after landing in a new city at some odd hour of night; all to challenge and improve the clarity of my intuition and inner knowing..
However, as the usefulness of the nomadic lifestyle started to wane, the expression of Nomadic Emily started to dim and fracture. While I became incredibly comfortable in action, I became so uncomfortable in waiting, that I would act without fully waiting for my intuition to speak. To my dismay, I had developed an addiction to action. This lead me to take action that was not necessary, that was not called for, and that lead to a lot of… growth… situations that I’m not exactly keen to repeat in the future. I prefer my heavy life lessons to be a “one and done” kind of thing. As the incidence of “growth lessons” started to out rank the incidence of “fun, nomadic, times”, I slowly began to accept that my trust in my intuition was too dependent on action, and incredibly limited when without something to “do” in response to it.
I needed to change, but this time, slowly. This is why I allowed the expression of Nomadic Emily to die; I needed to learn to breathe within the Present, and to wait for inspired action, if I was to avoid repeating my (most traumatic) mistakes….
Fast forward to Now, I am on this new path, doing just that. It was inspired action to be here, to move here, to stay here; but, now, I am purposely, intentionally, playing the waiting game. For what reason? For how long? To what end? The answers to these questions remain hidden from me, where clarity will be found somewhere off in some future moment.
Yet, in this Present moment, my mind is an endlessly turning wheel. Waiting is fine for a few hours, even a couple days, but a couple weeks…or, god forbid, months? My god… My room is as messy as the will in my heart: unorganized, without direction, and seeking something to seep its teeth into. Something to chase, to pursue, to aspire towards. Yet, even amongst the things I crave to do, my inspiration is tethered. On the rare occassion that it appears for a few hours of obsession, it does not hold.
I feel like a balloon tied to a post, craving to fly… And like my energy is leaking out from me….
“The heaviest weight we carry in this life are the things we chose not to let go of.”
Energetic drain is how my intuition tells me that someone, or something, is not for me. I have already learned to be more protective of my energy, to cut out those who take without reciprocity, who’s presence and interactions leave me drained of both finances and hope, who seek only to benefit themselves while offering nothing in return… However, in these cases, I was always able to leave. To go somewhere new, and to remove and block any access that person could have to personally contact me, and to move on. I could cut that person out of my life without any risk or burden of further interactions.
After being here for a few weeks, in my new routine, my current living situation, and my new status without constant employment, I have realized that both my body and mind need to heal….but my soul is thriving. It beams out, betraying my excitement at finally being free, though my body and mind are not yet accustomed to the strength of its expression. I’m not fully versed in the complications of allowing the light of your soul to express freely in a world that intentionally tries to control it, or snuff it out, but as my femininity and inner softness start to take center stage, I have noticed that I have all of a sudden gained the interests of many, many men….
It’s as if seeing me passing by on the street, eating at the same restaurant, or even laying at the beach with headphones on entitles these men to have access to me at any moment, requiring my full, immediate, attention, and, of course, my most valuable resource: my time. I tire, easily, from these many conversations, as at least one is required each time I step outside the confines of my apartment complex.
My current life chapter is giving me the opportunity to improve the informing and upholding of my boundaries while being in situations that I move through on a day to day basis. If I am to wait, if I am to remain in the same city, with the same routine, and see the same faces, then I need better boundaries than what I have now. To develop more of a spine, or rather, express the spine I do have (..in spades…), instead of shrouding my energetic drain with a waning smile and over-politeness.
For the time being, though, I spend a lot of time indoors, hiding, recouping, and reassessing how I am now being asked to move around in the world. I have yet to master this new change, this new perception…. and unfortunately, I will have to give myself time to do so.
It truly is a Fool’s journey, so I will need to accept my daily failures as part of the process…