annihilated
Understanding and excepting that the path you’ve been on isn’t for you is quite honestly one of the easiest things for me to accept and grasp…. conceptually… but fuck me do I despise the waiting in-between… and the any renewed rejection from returning to what is no longer for you.
I’ve been back in the United States for about a month, now. Leaving Brasil was really, really, hard but the energy for leaving was simply there to be followed. And, with being back in the U.S., the energy of materialism literally starts to engulf me. I love shopping, I love pretty things, I love being comfortable, and the consumerism culture here is literally part of the pulse that runs out society.
The increase of expenses, and the reintroduction of materialism into my day-to-day life, made returning the data engineering so tempting. That nice, cushy, salary always softened the sharp edges of the financial burdens, here. I even responded to a recruiter and started to go through the initial steps for a first round interview…. completing undervaluing the absolute misery I endured while being an engineer with the slight promise of the almightily dollar….
Fortunately, my mind, body, and spirit are obsessively committed to moving away from anything no longer meant for me… no matter the cost… My brain straight up did not work with SQL or Python, anymore. It gave a hard-fucking pass to even entertaining the idea of sitting at a computer for 8-10 hours a day to do something especially dull and unfulfilling.
While I have gratitude for this, I also experienced true fear, thereafter. There is no going back; there is no easy way out of what is currently unfolding. I’m committed, now, whether I like it or not. My mind is having an absolute hay day with this lack of information. I wake up feeling panicked, I get random bouts of panic waves, and all the while, I have such a calm, acceptance, presence deep within my soul. I know this is actually the path that will lead to true stability, true freedom, and, somehow, it will lead me back to Brasil, where my soul feels the most at peace (in all of the dichotomies that that implies).
Part of the reason I’m back, here, is to reunite with cherished allies. Allies that I mostly haven’t met yet in this life, but their presence always pulls me back here.
And I know at least some of what I will work on will be related to visas, immigration, and participating in changing my country to approach the world with a more globalized community, perspective. Staying in Brasil with my bullshit, easy-to-acquire, Nomad visa felt so disrespectful in light of what my country is doing immigrants here, to Brasilian immigrants, to countries that we actually owe our wealth and power to. We would not have become an economic powerhouse of a country without the abuse and manipulation of power of other countries; our passport wouldn’t be stacked with automatic visas around the world if our country did not bully others into submission. It’s a dark reality that we need to learn about, accept, and fucking transmute.
I genuinely do not have clarity around how to participate in this, as becoming a lawyer is technically possible, but the idea feels me with nauseous dread. A clear sign that is not the next step. Plus, my temper betrays me when I’m confronting something I care deeply about; I simply cannot keep my cool, which is an immediate knock against my ability to handle the politics of a courtroom. But there is a way to get involved, with equal or maybe even more impact (given the strengths and limitations of my natural… fire-y personality).
So, I might not know exactly where this path will lead, I do know that following my many inspirations and creative fires is part of it. My current obsessions go as follows:
I’m still practicing Portuguese most days, which means I’m reading more and more literature from Brasil. The defiance and perseverance of that country, especially the Afro-Brasilaro culture, fills me with so much hope and inspiration, it’s palatable. Everything I learn pulls me in deeper, with more insistence, and an insatiable craving for more.
I read tarot and oracle cards every goddamn day. Every day. Multiple times a day. Why do I not read for others, normally? Because my spiritual filter is confronting. It’s about transformation, really looking at the internal shit, within, with the audacious clarity of a bright, white, light, and moving through it. I’ve found that most people don’t actually like looking at their shit with clarity… Because of this, I decided to just stop reading for others. I didn’t want to initiate those fights… But everything about me was designed to be confrontational. I can’t say I enjoy it that much, either, but I’d rather adjust my perspective, clean up, and move forward than pretend I can unsee what has been illuminated to me. I’m no where near the only person with this perspective, so I need to stop focusing on personal perspectives and focus more on energetic groups of people. Time to start creating content.
I definitely know I need to take up writing, again. I spent lifetimes trying to adjust my voice to match what is more appealing to others, what is softer to others, but there is nothing fucking easy-going and smooth about interacting with me in person. Understanding that people will like you, or not, no matter what you do is actually such an invitation to just be unfiltered and let the cookie crumbs fall where they fall.
And, fuck it, might as well take up piano. Every time I listen to my Anxiety Playlist (which, as you might have grasped, above, is at least 2-3 times a week), I always-always-always see and feel myself playing. Why? Because it’s in my fucking wheelhouse to do so. If I could become a Data Scientist then a Data Engineer, with a variety of different coding languages, and be fucking done with the industry within the short span of 5 years, then I think I have the mental agility and finger dexterity to take up fucking piano. They sell portable pianos for beginners. What’s $200 bucks for a new obsession?