sleepless
As I write this, the clock has officially struck 12am.
I am so restless.
Granted, I’ve taken a huge, massive, step back from an overly cortisol-fueled lifestyle. Both the Nomadic way of life, combined with the Engineer way of life are pretty cortisol-fueled ways of being. And, additionally, I had months and months of low energy and lots of excess resting to recoup.
And I have, in a way.
But I’m entirely different now… There’s no going back to that lifestyle…. It’s no longer a viable option to return to, mainly, because the person I’ve grown in to during that time of rest is entirely unfit to work in such a structured, planning-oriented, life perspective.
That’s why I’m actually awake, really.
Because, if I’m honest, as much as I have so much relief that I will never return to that isolated nomadic existence supported by the soul-sucking work of being an “Techy”, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified.
Granted, I’m not terrified 100% of the time. I did start off this cycle in a bit of delusion, convincing myself that it was really only going to be a 6-month sabbatical until I returned to a cushy salary once more. But, as that 6 months came to a close, and I started to understand just how much I have changed, I started to panic.
I’m no stranger to panic attacks. They usually bop up their head every 6-8 months or so, especially given my… pattern… of going through life changes very abruptly and with immediate, intense, obsession. So I have a little system in place that helps me manage them (I’ve referenced my Anxiety Release playlist in the past), and every rotation, I get a bit more effective. I knew I needed.
So, after another classic “Emily crying uncontrollably in the closet on a pillow with blankets piled on” panic attacks, I decided I should probably reach out to my Mentor and get on a bi-weekly call cycle to help carve out this new life path.
“Conversations with the Universe” - Danica Gim
It took me until now, or at least this year, to really accept that my skills are most effortless, and most satisfying to me, in the occult realm. I just need spaces of curiosity that aren’t limited by so much structure, rules, or the authoritarian rule of logic. Sure, I leverage logic a lot. I’m a bit studier and perpetuator of it. But god damn, does it become a prison, quick. My mind will work so systematically, so consistently, and with such accuracy in one moment, only to be scrambled into a thousand rainbows and unrelated thoughts and ideas that somehow weaves into one, cohesive, tapestry with the logical systems. But, while the pieces seem to fall in place to me, those with most… fixed… logic minds can’t comprehend my reasoning. To fit in with a viable, reliable, job, I split my brain in two: sharing and presenting the logical mind, outward, to my colleagues and work partnerships, while secluding the rest of me to my inner realm.
I really love watching the show, The Sandman, especially when Season 2 rolled out the character Delirium. Delirium, now she makes sense to me. Instead of looking at the world head-on for a cool, logical, perspective, it’s like she viewed the world through a spiral telescope: amplifying some of the lesser known things while completely missing what would seem obvious to most. I really enjoy characters like her because they shed some light on the normalcy of a fractured, yet diverse and infinite, mind.
To be quite frank, I don’t know why I’m writing this right now. I’m not even entirely sure why I’m fighting off sleep… probably the nightmares…. Nightmares are also a side effect of anxiety, though my lucid nightmares are hardly based in reality. They show things that are much darker, much more unsavory, than what I experience with my 5 senses…. I think that’s why I like shows like The Sandman… since they give validity to this experience as well. Normalize it. Despite me being in my 30s, still afraid of the dark. Often times, to scared to even wear my silk eye mask because it makes things too dark….
30 minutes past now... I should re-attempt to go to bed.