impact

“Naivety is the gift no creative man can live without.”

- Carol Yung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul

Today, I am feeling particularly unhinged. Since I’ve started allowing my anger out, I’ve noticed that it’s not so keen on being shoved back in, again. My ability to display pleasant behavior in infuriating circumstances is continuing to wane… and I actually started to realize that the waves of pain I get down through my Sacral when I’m mad/sad are just staying dormant in my body….This tension keeps building within my life, like an awakening volcano preparing to help the land around it “reset”. My aura is in a FURY.

I have a critical nature, I genuinely do. I’m pretty obsessive about perfectionism, though also inconsistently, which reaps it’s own kind of chaos. I used to be really ashamed of this complex nature of mine, especially because a critical woman is considered “naggy” or “emotionally unsafe” (LOL, tear). But, as I continue to leverage using my Human Design chart to love my sharper edges, I’ve come to really love it.

My Human Design

Energy Type: Pure Manifesting Generator

Profile: 6/2 (Role Model/Hermit)

Life Theme: Left Angle Cross of Upheaval 2

Motivation: Hope

Seeing where things need to be fixed Is how my mind works; it’s how my BODY works. I’m always improving things, borderline obsessively so. If something’s off, either by sound or by look or by energy, I always fucking know. I fucking FEEL it. It’s like this visceral, erupting experience within me that demands my immediate attention. It’s such a loud, insistent, sensation. Even when I try to convince myself that “it’s all in my head” (LOL to gaslighting - my trauma bestie), I always come to find that I was, in fact, correct the whole time. And once I confirm that something needs to be fixed, now always seems like a great time to fix it, to do it, to change. Why the fuck not? Why the fuck wait when the solution is right there?

…Evidently….this is where “patience” shoves its way into the conversation. Whenever I hear, “You just have to be patient”, I literally want to throw up. Patience is the literal bane of my existence. I realize that many believe there is often a better time and place for confrontation, but I’ve always found that patience is half of the answer, if that. Yes, patience is important in matters that you can’t control. “Give it to God”, as they say. But I think that’s a slippery slope, too; I’ve watched a lot of mediocre behavior manifest from people simply “waiting for the right time”.

And I don’t think there is a perfect time for someone to hear about their own bullshit where they will “take it well”.

I get it, seeing a clear, unfiltered, view of myself is one of my least favorite things. But most people waste time trying to ignore reality instead of taking a deep, in-depth, look at their shit and what they need to heal. It’s more common for people to choose to stay the same. How can you un-know what you now know? How can you unsee the shit? Or, even more baffling, they go through partial transformation with such a goddamn slow cadence. SO SLOW. I don’t get it. Do you just enjoy sitting in your own shit when you know that there’s literally a shower down the hall?

As you might imagine, people respond to me pointing out this out to them in various ways….

Personally, I can’t unsee or un-know, or simply go about my merry when when I realize I’ve got a serious dumpster fire to put out. It’s singed into my awareness, demanding my immediate attention. I am obsessive about putting out those fires. Because I don’t want to keep …enjoying.. the consequences of my unhealed bullshit. What do I need to change within myself to not be a raging burden to society? A, B, C - done. Done. It’s on my list, it get incorporated into my life, and I use that new information to pivot and do better. And the next time I see my reflection, it’s better, but there’s also more clarity on additional growth points. The whole process starts again and again and again. I fucking love watching myself improve, truly. I have no problem admitting to my many, many, blindspots in this life because I want to see and be and participate in this world with clarity and awareness. I embrace the intensity of the transformation process because I trust that the fruits of my labor will meet me on the other side.

The whole “be patient.. let the Universe sort out the timing” deal is way too oversimplified. The origins of my discontent are, in fact, my fear of how my confrontation will impact someone. Whenever I choose to try and control when and how a confrontation comes out, I shove all that “mild annoyance from not fixing things” within me…. and, boy, does it brew….Sometimes I wonder if my energy IS Universal Timing for others. My impatience mixed with my own obsession with transformation makes me a pretty confrontational person to be around, especially for those trying to stay the same. Often times, I find myself to be a quick, hot and intense visitor (an instigator, if you will) in other’s lives…. and the end result is usually within the realm of helping them set their internal lives on fire….like a walking Tower Moment :) Again, I used to try to hide this fact, or diminish it, or make myself smaller, but that fire…. there’s a Divine, untamed, nature to it. If I try to hold it in, and it erupts out later, it ends up being a lot worse for everyone involved verse just being my little confrontational self all the time.

I need to trust that, if a person crosses my path and gets a bit more spice than they asked for, they’re strong enough to handle it. Truly. And if that’s where the dynamic ends, all good. The right people will respond really well to this nature, because it is rooted in seeing the best in others and inviting that part of them to express. Which is another reason why I’m so obsessive about healing…. If I’m going to create upheaval in other’s lives, I better goddamn make sure it’s for the right reasons. There’s a lot at stake when you can channel fire; people can get hurt, unnecessary, and, again, I’m not trying to deal with the consequences of unnecessarily hurting someone (ooph, the guilt and shame cycles be REAL).

I think obsessive transformation is a shared attribute of all ambitious people, at least those gunning for a well-rounded life. Unhealed pain is not only unnecessary baggage, it actually holds us back from success as well. So, the more I lean into this, the more I’ll attract other kindred spirits also focused on moving forward… and not sitting in shit.

I just gotta trust the process….